23 04 2025
11 min read
A Torah Approach To Dealing With Sibling Rivalry
INTRODUCTION
Many believe that it is healthy to let children fight, argue and bicker. It is also believed that it is healthy to let children settle their own disputes. However, since children have not yet learned the art of giving and accepting others, we put an obstacle in their way by letting them argue and using that to their advantage. This advantage can be a passion and pleasure to win, to dominate, to hurt or simply to let out one’s anger or pain on another person.
Before people enter into a debate or attempt to work out their differences, they must first learn the necessary social skills. They need to know how to speak to each other despite differing opinions. They may not belittle or hurt each other, even if they can prove the other person wrong.
A person who wants to become a doctor must learn the profession. He must understand the inner workings of medicine and know how the body works. Before a psychologist goes into practice, he must understand how the human mind works. He needs to know how a person thinks, feels and why they do certain things in different situations. When a person wants to learn to drive a car, he must first learn the particulars and laws of driving before he gets behind the wheel. If he does not learn the specifics before going into a profession or driving a car, it can have devastating consequences for the individual and for the people who come in contact with him. So too, children cannot be allowed to fight things out on their own without teaching them the skills they need to do so effectively.
Letting children argue, bicker and fight their own battles is extremely unhealthy and dangerous. It causes a lifetime of emotional pain, hatred and resentment. It teaches children that it is okay to argue and hurt each other instead of teaching them to understand and respect each other.
Children who learn that fighting is the way of life to get what they want, will usually continue to do so for the rest of their life. Although they will try to work on themselves, it requires a lifetime of intense self-improvement. More often, the children who have been allowed to fight, are likely to face a lifetime of challenges, emotional pain and suffering that could have been avoided.
Peace and harmony in the home can have a lifelong impact that will help children in the future do better in marriage and in the workplace. Children who have been taught the art of effective interpersonal relationships will be better able to handle situations with a clear and calm mind.
HOUSE RULES FOR ALL AGE CHILDREN
House rules are the foundation for peace and harmony. They are the first and most crucial step in bringing true peace and harmony into the home.
- ♦ Children should never be allowed to tell each other what to do.
- ♦ Children should not be allowed to ask each other or a parent to get them something, even if the child or parent is standing right there.
- ♦ Children should never be allowed to fight, argue or bicker.
- ♦ Children must never take or grab anything from another person’s hand.
- ♦ Children must never call each other names.
- ♦ Children must never use words that hurt each other.
- ♦ Children must never scare each other.
- ♦ Children should not be allowed to speak negatively about others, except to a parent or other responsible authority.
More ideas that should be implemented as one continues to bring peace and truth into the home.
- ♦ Children should not be allowed to speak about others, whether it is good, bad or neutral. (Even if it is not loshon hora, it can lead to loshon hora).
- ♦ Children should not be allowed to make jokes that belittle themselves or others.
- ♦ Children sometimes tell lies and then say it was just a joke. This, too, is important to teach a child to avoid.
- ♦ Children should be taught to respect the needs of others and refrain from laughing at them when they are different.
IMPLEMENTING THESE RULES
- ♦ You may announce to the children that there are new rules in the house, although this is not necessary.
- ♦ Get involved in the situation immediately.
- ♦ Always look directly at the child when you speak to them.
- ♦ Speak and teach children out of love, not anger.
- ♦ Use a loving and caring tone of voice.
- ♦ Speak in a firm voice when necessary, without yelling.
- ♦ Always listen to both sides of the story. Be extremely careful not to judge or take sides.
WHAT IS MINE IS YOURS – WHAT IS YOURS IS YOURS (Pirkei Avos)
Parents do not need permission from their children but children do need permission from their parents.
“What is mine is yours.” This means being easy-going in sharing what is yours. “What is yours is yours.” This means that I should never touch or use other people’s property without permission.
At times, we unintentionally teach our children that what is yours is mine. For example, a child is playing with a toy that his little sibling is crying for, and the parent demands that he hand the toy over to the crying child. After all, he is older and should understand better. A better solution would be to give the crying child something else to pacify him.
A toy or game that the whole family shares belongs to the child who is holding it or playing with it, as long as they are actively engaging with it. This idea does not conflict with teaching children to share. Of course, there are particular toys or items that children should be given time limits in order to give everyone a turn. Everything has its proper time and moment and should be carefully weighed according to the Torah Hakedosha. For example, we are taught that younger children need to respect their older siblings, not the other way around. We are also taught that we must not take what belongs to another. By teaching an older child to give a younger child what he wants because otherwise he will cry or get upset, we are indicating that the older child must respect the needs of the younger regardless. However, when we bring in the atmosphere of the Torah Hakedosha and teach children to share what is theirs, yet, respect what belongs to others, children are there for each other and behave harmoniously. The love they feel for each other can be immense.
It is important that we do not focus on the idea of respecting the older over the younger, but rather respecting each other. After all, just as an older child should not be demanded to give a younger child a toy or object that they are crying for, a younger child playing a game or holding an object should not be demanded to give it to an older child just because they are older. The focus should be on what is mine is yours and what is yours is yours, as explained above.
A child is more likely to be sensitive and willing to share in a home that is filled with genuine peace and harmony. So too children may feel better about themselves and their surroundings.
TRUE STORIES
- ♦ A 16-year-old boy started putting on tefillin, keeping Shabbos, stopped listening to the radio, and told his mother that his Torah learning now was more important than making money.
- ♦ A 14-year-old girl started keeping Shabbos and dressing more modestly within two weeks of these rules and regulations being enforced in her home. Another child started davening for the first time without being prompted.
- ♦ A 12-year-old child, the youngest of a large family, began helping around the house three days after her mother adhered to the rules and regulations outlined above. In addition, the child’s principal reported that she was doing much better at school.
- ♦ An aggressive and angry 16-year-old became loving and compassionate to all her younger siblings shortly after her mother established these rules and regulations in the home. She is now running her own home using the methods taught to us in the Torah Hakedoshah.
- ♦ One mother reported with amazement that peace and harmony descended upon her home within two months after enforcing these rules in the house.
RESULTS
Children listen better to their parents. They feel and demonstrate more love for each other and have more achdus (unity)..
Children help out more at home.
Children connect more to the derech of the Torah..
Children learn how to relate better to others and become more respectful.