POINTS ON SHALOM BAYIS

Spouses must be appreciated for the work they do. while it is important to thank the other spouse for what they do and provide, that alone is not enough. Just as it is the wife’s job to prepare meals for her husband and children, so too,  it is the husband’s job to provide his wife with the equipment and proper food that she requests. Some men want good food but are not ready to provide their wives with the necessities that enable the wives to make good food. Here are some examples:

• A husband complained that his wife always wanted to eat out instead of cooking. The wife’s reason was that she was only able to cook on the stove-top because her oven was broken. Her well-to-do husband did not want to replace the old broken oven. But he did have thousands of dollars to build a beautiful, huge bird room, renovate a magnificent bathroom (that now included a skylight), and replace a dining room table that was in good condition with a new expensive table.
• Another husband continuously complained to his wife about her cooking. This woman had one or two very old pots, only one of the four flames on her stove-top worked and her kitchen was very small and unpleasant to work in. Though the wife had reason to also complain, she fully accepted the situation because she knew her husband did not have the financial resources to provide her with more.

Every surgeon, hospital, doctor, lawyer, builder, diamond dealer, hotel, auto shop, huge company, small company, printing shop, bank, restaurant, bakery, grocery, and every profession – needs their individualized and customized tools to assure and assist them in their workplace.

But there seems to be one place that many husbands forget or do not seem to realize that the workplace of a woman is her home. Being a housewife and a mother is a profession. As with all other professions, the profession of a housewife and a mother needs to be respected. Therefore she needs to be provided with the tools that she needs or chooses to own. Her workplace must be respected and cannot be overpowered by anyone including her husband. Overpowered also implies anything being done against her wishes. An example of this is hanging up pictures on walls or buying furniture that she dislikes and bringing animals into the home without her complete joyful consent. Especially if she will end up having to be the one to take care of it.

Not only does a husband need to be considerate of a wife’s wishes and needs, so too children also need to be taught from an early age to be considerate of their mothers’ wishes and needs even if a mother and father don’t always see eye to eye.

Although there are men who do respect and believe in their wives, there are still a lot of other men who diminish and neglect the pure, holy mission and profession of a housewife and a mother. Many of these men also consider themselves as “the man of the house”. In a marriage, there can never be “A man of a house” without “A woman of the house”, the two must work hand in hand.

We can live a fulfilling and productive life by doing lots of chesed and giving our time and energy unconditionally to others, especially to our spouse and family, including our parents. Chesed not only  gives us fulfillment and joy in life, but it is also a mitzvah in the Torah. Remember that true love is to see what our spouse needs. Listen, look, observe, and develop a sixth sense or ask how you can be of help. This would be especially helpful for men to improve their Shalom Bayis. Chesed also means using pleasant words at the right moment. Words that bring a smile to the other person’s face instead of empty jokes and sarcasm.  What can we learn from theses true stories. Can we become more loving and giving first and foremost to our spouses? Can we reach out to them and others at the time that they need it rather than waiting till later?