ConqueringAbuse

This article was brought to the public in the merit of my dear mother of blessed memory, Rivka bas Yosef, may peace be upon her, who past away the 15th of Tammuz, 5779 (July 17, 2019).

THIS ARTICLE >IS ONLY GEARED TO VICTIMS< OF ABUSE. IF YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM, PLEASE DO NOT USE ANY OF THE SUGGESTIONS WRITTEN IN THIS ARTICLE. 

1. INTRODUCTION

This article was written in the hope of giving victims more strength and courage in life. A person who thinks there is no hope will find it harder to get out of their situation. But a person who dreams high, works on themselves and believes that there can be a chance will more likely come out of their crisis faster than expected. I hope that this article will help victims believe in themselves and they in return believe in their children and will give them courage and strength to succeed in every way possible in life. It is important to teach children to be sensitive and to respect the needs of their siblings and others. Children should also be taught never to fight, argue or bicker, including with siblings. (See my other articles that talk about child- rearing).

Much of what is recommended here may seem easier said than done. However, this method has been used by victims who have had great success. Though this is not necessarily a complete quick fix, it is definitely quicker than to be expected. After using this method, physical abuse should significantly diminish. Other forms of abuse will probably decrease by at least 40-60% if one is consistent.

Remember, it takes a lot of courage and inner strength in order to find inner peace. Rereading this article and other self-help books, often can teach us how to protect ourselves from abuse. And above all remember to be strong and hold on to *Hashem, Creator of the Universe.

(*Hashem - G-d Of The Universe)

2. TWO MAIN OPTIONS - LEAVE OR CHANGE

Many individuals are suffering tremendously from an abusive relationship. Victims often realize that they are in an inappropriate relationship and they need to do their best to try to change things or otherwise escape. However, it is one thing to believe this in one's mind, but another thing to know what to do and then have the courage to take action.

There are two main options that a victim has when they find themselves in an abusive relationship. The first one is to escape and leave the relationship. A sign that a victim should leave the abuser forever is when the abuse is extreme and life-threatening, and/or when the abuse continues regardless of the different tactics the victim used. In such a case, a victim should never go back to an abuser even if they apologize.

However, in many cases leaving is not an option (this may be due to financial reasons, children are involved or the victim is being threatened). Similarly, in other cases leaving is not recommended because the abuse is not so extreme and there is a chance for change. Thus, this second option involves staying in the relationship but changing oneself and the relationship. The victim must constantly think of and use strategies to improve their situation physically and emotionally. This second option involves working on oneself to become stronger, better and connect to the Creator of the Universe. As the victim strengthens themselves, they may see changes in their relationship for the better.

Always remember we are not here to hurt the other person. We are here to bring peace between one another. Peace cannot be made when the other person is abusive and is not willing to change.

3. THREE LEVELS OF ABUSE
4. There are those extreme cases that regardless of how much a victim tries to protect themselves, the abuser becomes more dangerous.
   1. If this is the case, the victim should leave the abuser as soon as possible and have no contact with them.
   2. If it is not possible to leave, work on self-improvement. This might also strengthen one’s ability to bring changes in the relationship.
5. There are those who are physically and emotionally abusive but a victim would be able to bring balance by being assertive:
6. There are those who are emotionally abusive (but not physically abusive) who may be able to overcome their abusive ways more easily. These kinds of people might also be ready to please if they are informed how to do so.
   1. In the beginning the victim might need to be assertive.
   2. Once the victim sees a change in their abuser (which might happen very quickly), then the victim can start speaking with a gentler tone of voice and avoid excessive assertiveness.
   3. The victim should try not to bounce on or attack their former abuser. Rather, to teach the former abuser which words to use in place of the inappropriate words.

It is a pity that many marriages end in divorce due to misunderstanding. Reading self-help books on saving marriages or seeking a support group can often help alleviate this result. Marriage and parenthood should be looked at as a profession. In every profession that one desires to succeed they must do a lot of research and experiment different methods. So too in marriage and parenthood, one needs to do a lot of research if they hope to succeed. There are many helpful books that one can find in the library. Any book you skim through that does not give you instant help, do not  take it home to read. As one works on their marriage it is normal if there are ups and downs in the process, if and when this happens do not get discouraged.

4. ABUSE - THE DO'S AND DON'TS

The following advice is relevant to those victims who suffer from abusers who fall into the category of 1 or 2 listed above.

• Try to get help from a hotline for battered women.
• It is important that a victim knows that they must be strong and do anything to help themselves (and their children) if they can.
• The victim should never bask in the abuser’s love.
• The victim should never lean on the abuser.
• Do not cry to the abuser to get pity.
• Do not depend on the abuser for anything.
• Do not ask the abuser what he thinks about things.
• Do not address the abuser in conversations.
• Never give excuses to the abuser.
• Never explain yourself to the abuser.
• Be independent not dependent.
• Never accept apologies from the abuser.
• Never accept gifts or flowers from the abuser.
  • Do not touch or take care of the flowers.
  • Say in an assertive voice, "I do not forgive you, you are abusive."
• Do not have any contact with anyone who is friendly with the abuser. (This is regardless of the relationship, whether it be a family member or a friend of yours.)
• If the victim manages to leave the abuser, they should never go back even if the abuser apologizes.
  • The victim should change their phone number and never contact the abuser again.
• If the abuser comes to the victim's work place:
  • **If the abuser says he's really sorry and to please forgive him and to give him another chance, the victim should not fall for it.
    • Rather, the victim should say in an assertive voice, "you are abusive and controlling, it is over!"

If the abuser says anything else, the victim should repeat oneself. Continue in this manner until he leaves you alone.

• The victim could also say, "love is not abuse!" Anything the abuser says you repeat, "love is not abuse!"
• *If the victim does not want to deal with the abuser at work say to the abuser, "right now I am working, (leave)." The victim can repeat themselves up to three times at the most and then ignore the abuser completely.

• Any time a victim is being hurt, disturbed, has disturbing thoughts about the abuser or is not calm for any other reason, it is advisable to say, "*Hashem, everything is in Your hands everything is in Your hands." This should be said repeatedly over ones thoughts (regardless of any distracting thoughts). This should help the victim calm down.

*Hashem - G-d Of The Universe

5. BEING ASSERTIVE

• Being firm and assertive is most effective if it does not involve anger or yelling.
• The victim should be aware that it is easy to get distracted by the abuser's arguments. This will make the victim lose their focus and train of thoughts. Here are some guidelines:
  • Always stay to the point of the issue.
  • Always stay focused on the issue being discussed.
  • Always repeat the same word or phrase.
    • Staying to the point and staying focused on an issue being discussed is done by repeating the same phrases regardless of what the abuser says. (One will find many examples in the sections below).
  • A victim will usually be more successful in getting through to the abuser if they use fewer words.
  • It is important to be strong (see for example some of the dot points in section 4 above).
  • Examples of phrases one can use:
    • "Do not ever touch me again!" or "Do not ever touch me like this again."
    • "This is not love!" or "love is not abuse!"
    • "This is abusive!"
    • "This is controlling!"
    • "Stop abusing, stop controlling!"
    • "I am a woman/man not a child!"
    • "Stop cursing!"

6. WHAT TO AVOID WHEN BEING ASSERTIVE  

• Never put someone down except in extreme cases. The whole point of being assertive is to bring balance and peace into the marriage.
• In general it is not a good idea to ever point a finger at any person, not physically or verbally by using the word "you." (There is an exception when the situation is critical or close to critical).
• Instead of using the word "you", it is important to use the word "we" as much as possible. For example:
  • “We must work on ourselves.” Not “you must work on yourself.”
  • “We need to work as a team.”
  • “We cannot make a mess and do what we want.” Instead of: "You cannot make a mess and do what you want.”

7. LANGUAGE TO USE 

When the situation is extreme and anything the victim says to the abuser does not improve matters, then the words "you are" should be used. As the situation improves, the words "you are" should be replaced by softer and more pleasant words, such as "stop" to "this is".

For extreme cases:

These phrases are said in an assertive tone of voice (strong and firm but if possible without yelling).

Choose the appropriate phrase: (no matter how the abuser responds, repeat the same phrase over and over again).

• "You are abusive!"
• "You are controlling!"
• "Don't ever put me down!"

If the abuser apologizes and also says I will never hurt you again, remember, do not accept the apology. Besides repeating the chosen phrase, say: (one may choose to say only one of these sentences below or as many as is appropriate).

• "I do not accept your apology."
• "Every (or almost every) time you hurt me, you apologize, I do not forgive you."
• "When you stop hurting me forever, I will be able to forgive you."

For less extreme cases:

When the abuser starts to realize he cannot continue in an abusive way, the victim is still firm and assertive but leaves out the word "you are." Any time the abuser puts the victim down, calls them names or hurts them physically or emotionally, do not argue with anything the abuser says. Rather, select and repeat one of the phrases below. This should be said in an assertive tone of voice without anger. Never curse.

Choose the appropriate phrase:

• "Stop abusing!"
• "Stop controlling!"
• "Stop screaming!"
• "Don't ever put me down!"
• In rare situations a victim may choose to use the word "you are" but it should be used very seldom.

If the abuser says anything other than, "you are right" or some form of apology, repeat the appropriate phrase. If the abuser apologizes see 3 paragraphs above by extreme cases.

For drastic improvement or for level 3 in section 3:

As the situation improves even more, the word "Stop" should be replaced by softer and more pleasant words, such as to, "This is."

This part is used as one sees that the once abuser cares more about the victim but at times still puts the victim down or uses hurtful words.

Choose the appropriate phrase:

• "This is abusive!"
• "This is controlling!"
• "(Please) Stop screaming!"
• "(Please) Stop putting me down!"

One major common control issue that sparks abuse may be regarding arranging the food in the refrigerator. If a person is generally improving but still screams at their victim if they see an item is not where they believe it should be, then the victim needs to repeat in a firm tone of voice:

• "Stop controlling!"

8a. Gaining Confidence And Self-Esteem

• It is important to come to peace with ourselves and accept who we are and what we can accomplish. This does not contradict the fact that we must constantly work on being better people and striving to reach higher goals.
• Never make negative comments about yourself to others or even yourself.
• A victim should never allow an abuser to put time limits on them. If this happens, the victim should choose one of the appropriate statements set out in this article.
• One should be truthful with one's accomplishments and never degrade oneself for not achieving ones goals. For instance, a person says to themselves, "I didn't do anything today," even though one did achieve something but perhaps not all the chores one hoped or aimed for.
• One should simply work honestly and satisfactorily.
• Do not let the abuser tell you or "teach you" how to cook, clean, iron or do any other chores. This is a form of a control issue that is not healthy for the victim.
  • The victim should firmly and in an assertive tone of voice say to the abuser, "When you do a chore, you do it your way. When I do a chore, I will do it my way."
  • If the abuser responds with a hurt or negative tirade, the victim needs to repeat calmly and in an assertive voice what was said before, "When you do a chore, you can do it your way. When I do a chore, I will do it my way."
    • In this way, the victim can stay focused on the issue and to the point without arguing or answering any specific accusations to the abuser.

9. HOW TO ANSWER VERBAL ABUSE

(Note that I have included some therapy words that might be useful for releasing negative words spoken by the abuser. Other words that might be helpful to the victim to release was also included).

Abuser: "No one will ever want you."

• Victim: "Don't ever put me down."
• Therapy word - try the word 'no one' and 'want you'. (The words 'no-one' and 'want you' are done at two separate times. See the "Therapy section).
  • The victim should believe that if someone does not want them, it means that person is not compatible for them.
  • Believe that there is someone out there that is compatible. And that at the right time you will find him/her.
  • Therapy word - 'compatible'

Abuser: "You don't have any friends because you fight with everyone you know."

• Victim: "Don't ever put me down."
• Therapy words - 'don't', 'fight' and 'friends'
  • Believe that almost no-one really has any true friends. In this world it is very hard to trust anyone.
  • If a person finds one true friend they can really trust, then they are blessed.
  • With fewer friends it can be easier to connect to Hashem without distractions.
  • You will have more time to heal yourself.
  • The abuser himself probably has no friends. He might be hanging out with people but not friends.

Friends are people:

• who will give you good and truthful advice.
• who have a good listening ear at the time you need it.
• Who encourage you to go in the right direction in life so that it will be good for you in this world and in the next.
• Who do not put you down.
• Who do not deliberately hurt you.
• Who do not talk behind your back.
• Who are happy for your success.
• Who are never jealous of you or your success.

Abuser: "You are irresponsible."

• Victim: "Don't you ever put me down."
• Therapy word - 'irresponsible'

Abuser: "You cannot even hold onto a job."

• Victim: "Don't you ever put me down."
• Never explain yourself.
• Therapy word - 'cannot' and 'job'

Abuser: "You don't even make enough money to support yourself."

• Victim: "This is not your business and don't ever put me down again.”
• Therapy word 'don't'
  • Believe that money comes from *Hashem not people. Hashem is the one that provides. People are just His messengers.
  • Believe that Hashem can help you.
  • Always say, "Hashem everything is in your hands, everything is in your hands."

The following are two beliefs a victim can try to incorporate into his heart.

• Believe that you can make it in life independently (without the abuser).
• Believe that you can and will have a better life without the abuser (unless you see major changes).
• Therapy word 'dependent’
• Note: the reason it is important to use the word dependent and not independent is because we want to release the negative out of our system. Once the negative is out of one’s system, it automatically makes room for the positive.

10. BRINGING BALANCE IN EXTREME SITUATIONS

In extremely abusive situations, even being assertive may not help. At this point, the victim might have to use a different approach.

NOTE: When going into a marriage, we are not here to change our spouse. But when someone is abused in any way, the victim must become stronger in order to protect themselves from abuse. This will usually automatically bring the abuser to change in some way. However, one must always remember that the ultimate aim is not to get back at the abuser but to bring balance and peace. Thus, when the abuser is able to control himself and begin to respect the victim, the victim should step back from any approach that is not necessary any more.

10a. Points Of Advice

• It is important for the victim to show their strength rather than showing their pain.
• An abuser cannot think he can do whatever he wants to their spouse.
• A victim should not let the abuser laugh in their face, curse or call them names.
• It is extremely important to stay calm, be firm and assertive.
• Arguing ones point of view will not help an abuser to understand you.
• An abuser does not need to understand, an abuser needs to respect.
• Do not act angry or mean unless one has tried other ways and it did not work.

10b. Bringing Balance

<Here are different phrases to say that can bring balance into a relationship. Always choose the appropriate phrase for the right time.

• An abuser who laughs at his victim, the victim should imitate their laugh.
• If an abuser uses inappropriate words toward the victim say: (use the one you feel is more appropriate).
  • "Don't you ever put me down (again)."
  • "Don't you ever use these words to me (again)."
  • "Don't ever curse me again (You hear me)!"
  • Again you are cursing me?
  • "Again you are saying those words to me?"
  • Say, "that's interesting" and give a giggle. (This should only be used once the victim gains a lot of confidence and self-esteem. This can take anywhere from a few months to a few years).
• If an abuser says “you are crazy” or anything similar. (Choose one)
  • "Don't you ever put me down. You hear me!"
  • "Don't ever use these words to me again."
  • Say “you are right, now we have two crazy people in this house. Ha ha, I must have caught it from you." (This should only be used once the victim gains a lot of confidence and self-esteem. This can take anywhere from a few months to a few years).
• Abuser: "Your cooking is tasteless. It is disgusting. It's always missing salt and spices. (In a demeaning, nasty and unappreciative tone of voice). Why can you not make good food for a change?"
  • Victim: "Stop complaining, Stop complaining!"

An abuser who wants their food (sandwiches) made in a particular way should be told to do it themselves. If they want the victim to continue preparing the food for them, they must stop complaining right away.

10c. Case Study - True Story

A lady used the above method to help her husband stop his abuse towards her. This husband would laugh at her in front of her face and would often tell his wife stories with a message that would degrade her. However, one day he had a different story altogether of a woman who changed her husband's evil ways. This lady was so shocked that he told her such a story, that she looked at him and said, "What?" The next thing he said to her shocked her even more. He said, "Yes, well you changed me."

11. HEALING PROCESS

• Vitamins are an essential ingredient in any healing process. They can help us stay emotionally strong. Alternatively, wheat grass naturally is high in vitamins, minerals and amino acids. Thus, one can choose either the wheat grass or multi vitamins. One may also need a boost of either extra B-12 or folic acid in the beginning if one continues to feel emotionally down. Eating soaked or sprouted grains, legumes and seeds are equivalent to taking multi vitamins or wheatgrass. See my article, An Essential Boost Of Nutrition at (www.alternativehealngtips.com) which explains how to prepare the sprouts.
• Try to be around people that are respectful and encourage you to achieve your goals.
• Stay away from those who put you down.
• Try the "Therapy" below and also my suggestions in the article "Touch Healing." These two healing therapies can be done simultaneously. (To read the article "Touch Healing" go to http://www.alternativehealingtips.com. Look out especially for depression, eye exercises, and anything else that is relevant to your particular symptoms. Both therapies can be done every day or as often as required.
• When a victim feels stronger, both physically and emotionally, it might be worthwhile to find an organization that provides victims with free courses to get back on their feet. These courses can give an extra boost of self-confidence.
• Note: Do not spend money that you do not have. Try to access benefits or courses that are available for free.

12. THERAPY

The following therapy may be particularly effective when a victim has suffered from verbal abuse. This therapy may help to release at least some of the negativity that affected the victim with the verbal onslaught. It may also help reduce a victims fear of the abuser and give them more confidence or energy.

1. Before doing this therapy, follow the instructions set out in the first section in the article of "Touch Healing" for the three introductory days.
2. Lie or sit in a comfortable position.
3. Close your eyes. (Though this step is not required, it does help with relaxing and concentration).
4. Think of either a word that represents the verbal abuse suffered, or simply the feeling (such as fear). Always pick one or two words maximum, and avoid dwelling on what the abuser said.
   1. For example;
      1. If the victim is afraid of the abuser, think of the word AFRAID or SCARED. in your mind think, scared, scared, scared, scared, over and over again in a most pleasant, calm way, for as long as one is doing this therapy.
      2. Only use the main word leaving out "you are" or other sentences.
   2. Other words
      1. Abuser: You are evil
      2. Victim thinks: evil, evil, evil, evil
      3. Abuser: you are irresponsible
         • Victim thinks: irresponsible, irresponsible, irresponsible
      4. Never think of the abuser while doing the therapy.

Redirect ones thoughts if one finds themselves thinking about the abuser.

6. Though one statement can contain more than one therapy word, one should meditate on the meaning of each word separately.
7. At the same time, concentrate on your body. When doing so, one might feel blockages being released from one's body.
8. This therapy may be done for as long as possible and as often as possible.
9. If the victim starts feeling flu-like symptoms, they should end the therapy session until they feel better.
10. If the victim feels any other pain for more than two minutes continuously, then stop immediately and restart when you feel no pain that was contributed by the therapy.
11. Once the victim is more familiar with this therapy, it can be carried out while doing chores or errands.

13. MEASURES TO MINIMIZE ABUSE

Here are some general tips for the victim to get started:

• Dress modestly outside and inside the house.
• Do not attract other men in any way by:
  • Exposing one’s body.
  • Singing in front of other men.
  • Flirting
• Be sensitive and kind to others.
• Completely eliminate sarcasm from your vocabulary.
• Avoid making jokes about yourself or other people - sarcastically or not sarcastically. Regardless if they concern family or not.
• Do not curse yourself or others.
• Avoid speaking good or bad about people.

(*Hashem - G-d Of The Universe)

THIS ARTICLE >IS ONLY GEARED TO VICTIMS< OF ABUSE. IF YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM, PLEASE DO NOT USE ANY OF THE SUGGESTIONS WRITTEN IN THIS ARTICLE. 

Table Of Contents 

1. Introduction
2. Two Main Options - Leave Or Change
3. Three Levels Of Abuse
4. Abuse - The Do's And Don'ts
5. Being Assertive
6. What To Avoid When Being Assertive
7. Language To Use
8. Gaining Confidence And Respect
   1. Gaining Confidence And Self-esteem
9. How To Answer Verbal Abuse
10. Bringing Balance in Extreme Situations
    1. Points Of Advice
    2. Bringing Balance
    3. Case Study - True Story
11. Healing Process
12. Therapy

Measures To Minimize Abuse